Playing the tape forward

I don’t quite know yet what I want this blog to be. I feel like I’ve attempted sobriety so many times that to focus only on that is surely going to result in the same outcome again. I don’t want to fail. I am going to succeed. Whatever that means. I want to be a nondrinker. Unfortunately, there are people in my life who are drinkers and users (or past users) of drugs who haven’t outgrown the habit. Or they haven’t reached a level where however they are abusing or not abusing their substance is a problem for them to address. I consider myself a high bottom, but looking around at how my life has actually become completely unmanageable (hello AA) I see that I’ve been lying to myself for years that I’ve had things semi under control. I haven’t. I’ve been living under a rock. Holding myself back. Not totally having the confidence to commit to my goals. The same something that’s held me back has made me feel unworthy and invisible. There’s an affirmation my life coach suggested I start using over a year ago, which is “I deserve to be seen and heard, and its easy.” another one of my favorites is simply “I’m ready”. Wise words from my higher self to myself today. I feel depressed and low, but I know the feeling will pass. I also know exactly what would happen if I take a drink. I know the predictable time table of the next 72 hours and it’s crazy. All I need to do is play the tape forward. Staying off the sauce may equal depression for the next 5 minutes while I finish feeling sorry for myself, but it will equal a new day tomorrow and NOT another hungover Day 1. Time to change the tape.