Today, I humbly return to my little blog. Relapsed. Slightly broken. Frustrated at my lack of self will. I can’t remember how many Day 1’s I’ve had. A LOT. It feels more lately like THIS Day one is it. I’m done with drinking and the endless cycle for good. I get to around the 30 day mark, and feel like I deserve a reward. (A drink??) Makes no sense. There are other triggers as well, and I’m doing my best to identify them. I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to outsmarting myself. Hubs imbibes from time to time, and when he does he definitely over does it. While he’s respectful of my decision to abstain, he doesn’t really think I’m an “alcoholic”. I get too far away from my support system and checking in with my higher power and I drink again. Like someone with amnesia. I do not have great emotional regulation or ability to deal with stress or anger. There are so many things I want to do in life, and experiencing these set backs in terms of not being able to get my sobriety to stick, makes me feel like I’m purposefully self sabotaging. All I can do is return again to One Day at a Time. At the very least, I can say this last year I have had significantly less drinking days and even a handful of sober months, and that’s progress.
Today, I deleted, or deactivated, the last of my social media sites. I sound like someone who’s depressed and hopeless; however, I feel the opposite! It is liberating to no longer be tied to other peoples posts, pictures, quotes… I should make clear: I wanted to distance from those sites for ME, not to get away from others. Actually, on the contrary, I’d like to become closer to people. Get together for lunch, talk on the phone. By putting a screen between us, the communication feels less personal. I end up feeling isolated, alone, and insignificant after checking the sites lately, so I’ll see how I feel without them for a time. Not forever. Forever thinking gets me in trouble.
Three weeks off the sauce today! I had acupuncture last week, which brightened my entire outlook on life! I respond very well to Eastern Holistic healing. I’m implementing a lot of change in a relatively short period of time, which, to some, may seem too much too fast, but it’s been marinating within me for a LONG time, and it feels more like ripping off a bandaid than anything else. In addition to being alcohol free, I’m vegan again (I was for years before adding in a little red meat, fish, and cheese- so that decision is also not as drastic as it sounds) and looking into taking a Certified Crystal Healing course; a passion of mine that could turn into something more substantial.
I’m re-reading (and highlighting) The Magic of Believing by Claude M. Bristol. Tony Robbins has said it is THE book that has inspired him the most. I can see why.
Affirmation for the week: ~~ I am realistic. I expect miracles. ~~
One week without alcohol today. Forget where a heard it lately, but this stuck with me and I’ve been repeating to myself: If I can do one day I can do three days, if I can do one week, I can do a month. If I can do one month, I can do three months, then six months, then a year. I read a sobering- haha- statistic that only 1% of people who try to go without alcohol for one year are successful. I plan to be part of that one percent. However, I am initially focusing on simply plugging forward for TODAY. I can only truly be present and centered on Right Now. *Sigh* Getting too far in future-thinking only activates overwhelm and sabotage. I can’t go there. (Another audiobook plug for an oldie/goodie, Eckhart Tolles’ The Power of Now). That’s it for today. Just need to keep myself accountable whether anyone is reading this or not! I’m grateful for the likes 🙂
I don’t quite know yet what I want this blog to be. I feel like I’ve attempted sobriety so many times that to focus only on that is surely going to result in the same outcome again. I don’t want to fail. I am going to succeed. Whatever that means. I want to be a nondrinker. Unfortunately, there are people in my life who are drinkers and users (or past users) of drugs who haven’t outgrown the habit. Or they haven’t reached a level where however they are abusing or not abusing their substance is a problem for them to address. I consider myself a high bottom, but looking around at how my life has actually become completely unmanageable (hello AA) I see that I’ve been lying to myself for years that I’ve had things semi under control. I haven’t. I’ve been living under a rock. Holding myself back. Not totally having the confidence to commit to my goals. The same something that’s held me back has made me feel unworthy and invisible. There’s an affirmation my life coach suggested I start using over a year ago, which is “I deserve to be seen and heard, and its easy.” another one of my favorites is simply “I’m ready”. Wise words from my higher self to myself today. I feel depressed and low, but I know the feeling will pass. I also know exactly what would happen if I take a drink. I know the predictable time table of the next 72 hours and it’s crazy. All I need to do is play the tape forward. Staying off the sauce may equal depression for the next 5 minutes while I finish feeling sorry for myself, but it will equal a new day tomorrow and NOT another hungover Day 1. Time to change the tape.
Creating my freedom: from lots of things. Old behaviors, thought patterns, energy vampires, people, places, and things. I’ll be more specific. This last week I’ve been listening to Energy Anatomy by Caroline Myss on audiobook. Highly recommend! It has me thinking more about the link between our energy patterns and illness. Where does my chronic fatigue (among other things) come from? Well, I’m leaking energy to all these places (including my PAST). With thoughts like, Where would I rather be right now? Who’s betrayed me? What if I’d made THIS decision or done THAT differently? My energy is not in the present moment and its making me sick! I’m understanding more why meditation is so important. I’m grateful that my Guides continue gently nudging me with new information. Keep yourself physically oriented in whats going on NOW. I’m also reevaluating my entire belief system; starting with: What do I believe in? Ha. Deceptively simple. What are my values? It’s all necessary work in order to move on and advance spiritually. After all, isn’t that the point of being alive?? I need to practice forgiveness of certain members of my family (which is really for my own benefit, not theirs). I started this blog a couple years ago because I wanted to kick the alcohol habit for good and hold myself accountable. Had to delete those old posts and start fresh today. It’s been two years coming… Still working on kicking the booze, but for me, focusing solely on that and not what’s been causing my habit has led me back to it time and time again. Only removing the alcohol and not addressing the reasoning behind my continual use of it, wasn’t enough. SO, another huge thing for me this time, which is the last time, is to focus on my fundamental beliefs. By picking up a drink, I’m betraying myself. I’m breaking the promise I made to myself over and over that I do not want to drink anymore. I believe that to drink is to poison my body and mind. It poisons my marriage, and it poisons my future. It’s a second chakra betrayal and causes my energy to be effected negatively. In a nutshell, I’m hurting myself energetically and physically, and now it has been brought to my attention that that’s what I’ve been doing, I can’t ignore it anymore. I can’t knowingly attack myself any longer. Day 3 today.